I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it!

Probably the most frustrating comment for a teacher to receive is, "I don't get it." Especially when you think of yourself as a competent and successful teacher who is up on the new ways of teaching different concepts. I mean, you think that you'd be able to do something simple with your class, something you regard as basic to function in life, but they can't. Moreover, it is ten times more frustrating and alarming when the task is seemingly simple and they're utterly lost. Exhausting your options of how to explain something seems and is mostly frustrating, but it can be also amusing.

Lemmings. Picture lemmings. This is the general structure of any middle school for the most part, and certainly this applies to my classes. If one student understands and chooses to be the daily leader and vocalize that they understand, usually the rest follow suit. However, if one loud student chooses to say they do not understand, insanity erupts.

Me: Okay so if I give you 13 pennies, how many dimes will you give me back?

Student: 1 dime and 3 pennies

Me: Okay so you add a dime and have 3 pennies left over

Student: You don't have pennies left over.

Me: Hmmm, interesting you just told me if I give you 13 pennies what you, as the bank, would give in return is 1 dime and 3 pennies

Student: Right. I agree.

Me: So you get 1 dime and have 3 pennies left over.

Student: I don't get it. I'm confused.

Student 2: Oh my god, I don't get it.

Student 3: I'm confused.

Student 1: I'm lost, I don't get it.

Student 2: I don't get it. I don't get it. I DON'T GET IT!!!

Me: Stop, and think. How many dimes do I get if I give you 13 pennies.

Student 2: One dime and 3 pennies left over.

Me: Right, so what's confusing.

Student 2: I don't know I'm confused.

Me: What are you confused about.

Student 2: Nothing.

Money is probably the most concerning point of my job. What with the invention of debit card monopoly and the loss of a conceptual understanding of the value of a penny. Shit, the value of a dollar. The US may have dropped the ball in terms of our measurement system (what the fuck is this 5,280 ft in a mile bullshit? I like numbers and I often forget the conversions!!!), but in terms of money we align perfectly with a base ten system. In other words, ten pennies to a dime, ten dimes to a dollar, ten dollars to ten dollar bills, etc. The mere simplicity of this makes this teacher happy. However, when we were reviewing long-division one day something very scary happened. A student surprised me.

Background, when teaching/reviewing long division you can use money. So in the problem if you're left with a dime you can trade it for 10 pennies, like you would with the algorithm. Anyway, 4 out 5 students proceeded to say that instead of trading in the 1 dime for 10 pennies and then dividing five pennies into each pile (there were two piles), that you would just put 1/2 a dime into each. Yes, I get it, 1/2 a dime's value is 5 pennies, however the question asked how many physical dollars, dimes, and pennies there would be. Yikes. So here came the following discussion:

Me: 1/2 a dime? In each pile? Half of a physical dime? (imagine me holding up a dime)

Student 1: Yes, you split it in half and each pile gets 1/2.

Does that make sense? What's 1/2 a dime worth?

Student 2: It's worth 5 cents

Me: (Me pretending to cut the dime with scissors) So if I cut this in half and went into a store they'd accept it as 5 cents?

Student 3+1: I don't get it

Me: You told me half of a physical dime, if I cut this in half... like you told me to... what is it worth?

Student 2: 5 cents

Me: No! It's a piece of metal. If you cut in half that's all it is half a dime! It's worth nothing more than the scrap metal it now is!

Giggling from student in the back who obviously gets it

.... The conversation went on for far too long, but it made a wonderful memory for all of us....

At which point... my list of reactions and replies run out. I think about running out down the hall screaming. Frustration aside, it is quite an amusing set of events.

Student: I'm going to NY.

Me: Oh nice, where.

Student: I dunno, NYU.

Me: College? Are you leaving us Friday for college?!

Student: Nooooo.... I'm not in college, my sister...

Me: So you're a college student, you don't need math anymore?

Student: Noooooo...

Me: Okay so you can come back and teach our class after this weekend of college, right?

Student: TEACH?!!?!?

Me: Yeah, won't you?

Student: Nooooooooo... I wanna be a student.

(This is a first)

A wise man once told me, that humans invented the $5 calculator for a reason and god damnit is that truth. At what point does drilling students on math facts and the long-division process get trumped by the fact that you can write boobs on a calculator? Not surprisingly, a year ago I faced the same exact situation. It must be an important ritual in ever pubescent 6th grade boy's life... boobs and the mere fact that you can write this glorious word on a calculator.

Student 1: When I'm 18, my mom said I can go sky diving

Student 2: That's not possible. Like totally not even possible.

Student 1: It is so possible!

Student 2: Right... when you're 18 you have free rights and stuff.

Student 1: Yeah

Me: You mean... you'd be an adult

Student 2: Yeah free rights!!!

Student 1: I'm an adult. I'm 13.

Me: No...

Student 1: Yea... I just can't sky dive.

Me: Can you vote?

Student 1: No.

Me: Can you live on your own... legally?

Student 1: Maybe.

Me: No... No adulthood. Stop it....

Student 1: I can do what I want when I want

Me: Do you want to be in school right now?

Student 1: No...

Me: Then you obviously can't do what you want.

Student 1: (Starts walking out)

Me: Correction, you can do what you want, but you will have consequences

Student 1: Why can teachers be mean to students but students can't talk back?

Me: Age

Student 1: What?

Me: Anyone older than you can tell you what to do. It's a perk to being old. Hey (Student 2), when's your birthday?

Student 2: August

Me: And yours? (to student 1)

Student 1: October

Me: (Student 2) can tell you what to do.

Student 1: I'm an adult!!!

Me: No, you still are not an adult

35 days and counting

35 days left in school. Yes, still counting down. School life in so far as being a teacher is composed of counting down to two things:

1) important due dates of reports, papers, grades, meetings, etc.

2) school vacations and closing date

The best part about all of this? Not sharing it with the kids. Like somehow I think that if I don't share this seemingly private information with them that the won't realize there's only 5 weeks left and will subsequently work harder. Ha, work, harder and my students in one sentence. The kids haven't worked harder since Feb. break. To be truthful, motivation after spring break is very, very difficult.

Another fun thing is trying to convince my children that the swine flu will turn them into a pig. At first they knew I was full of it, apparently adults need to say things 3 times to be the truth. It's the rule of adult 3s. First time? I don't believe you. Second time? Mmm... well, I'm still not sure. Third time? Well, you really wouldn't lie to me THAT many times. Knowing this information could become critical in your times of needs. It's all about persistence.

Of course, for those with little motivation there is a way to go from a to c (the first lie to the belief). All you must do is find another adult to agree with what you say. After using the simple mathematical equation that all children hold :

1 adult's opinion = not so convincing
1 adult's opinion squared = pretty damn convincing
1 adult's opinion cubed = the law
1 adult's opinion to the fourth power = o.m.g.

So what with 5 weeks left, what is that like... 20 school days? I'll be randomly posting my musings to the site, again. The winter seems to be a time for me to hibernate.

Confidence is the name of the game...

If confidence is the name of the game and I don't got it, where does that leave me?

Today my students were busy trying to make me feel like the "cool" teacher so we could play games. Knowing their  game, I met their challenge with humor in the form of exposing their actions. Frightened by my knowledge they chose to try to make me feel uncool. To this I always reply with one swift answer, it doesn't matter how cool you think I am, just how cool I know I am. You could think I am the weirdest teacher in the world, but I know I'm cool.

To this I usually get the nervous laughters, as how could anyone in 6th grade comprehend not caring what others think of them? Alas, I told them it is my goal to get them to believe in themselves as cool and smart and capable regardless of what others think, because after all, they are only as cool as the believe themselves to be. Of course, hilarity follows.

Me: Confidence is everything in life. It can take you a far way

Student: What is confidence? I don't know what that is...

Me: You know what it means to be confident, right?

Student: Yeah, well I don't have any of that. I am (insert funky voice) hopeless in that area. Lacking of the confident-ness-eses.

Class bursts out in laughter, because let's face it she was not phased by it. It is my day that is often filled with quotes like this. My little life lessons sprinkled into a class discussion and utterly failing amongst the kiddos. But I guss that's cause I'm weird, right? 

Later... same student starts encouraging another

Student: You are smart--- look to the bright side. GO to the bright side. Have some confident!

Me: Yes, have some confidence.

Student: It's confidence? O-M-G.... I was confidence that it was confident.

Me: Uhhh...

Student: I hate language. Grammar is stupid. Math is funner.

Me: Funner?

Student: See, more fun is too long to say, so uh... funner. See why I hate grammar, it takes too long!

At least the kids can make me smile, even when I'm having a bad day.

It's all about low expectations today

It's the first day back from a  long extended break and the motto for the week is "low expectations." When kids and teachers alike flow back into the halls of the school, not much can be expected. We're all rusty and slow from the weeks prior, filled with sleep, food, and not much else. Lackadaisical attitudes are what school is all about the first few days back and getting back into the grind is really difficult.

I awoke this morning, surprisingly perky, given that I had not woken this early in weeks. Surprised, but still moved, I found my way to school, even though the roads were icy -- I conquered the ice with teacher-like ease! It could only get worse from there. 

Low expectations of work output -- if a teacher's work output is 6 times less than normal, expect that the students will be at least 12 times less than normal.

Low expectations of attention -- you're not focused, you're thinking about when the day will end. Between parents forgetting ADD meds, students are right there with you. Worst of all? Santa (if they believe in him) hasn't left their minds and the hangover from the 1am stay up on New Years Eve.

Student: I totally stayed up until 1am ALL break. I'd totally be asleep right now, I swear.

Me: At 3pm?

Student: No 3am. Oh my goddd, it's 3pm during the day, isn't it?!

Low expectations of the understanding of life --

Student: Make your mommy make you be born after me. You're twelve, I don't want to be the youngest!!

Me: I'm not sure that's possible

Student: How? Her mom controls all her life!

Student 2: Haha.

Student: Did you stay at your mommy and daddy's house over break?

Me: Are you talking to me?

Student: Yes.

Student 2: She doesn't call her parents mommy and daddy.

Low expectations of appropriate sentences/school language --

Computer program: ...find the one that matches the numbers below

Student: I'll give you something that matches!

Me: HEY!

Student 2: Are you okay?

Student: it's too hot in here, open some windows!....to the windowssssss... to the WALL

Setting: En Route to Basketball Game

Me: Alright, I have a fun story. So, this summer I was working at summer school.
Student: And you had a boyfriend, he left you and you cried.
Me: Um... no. Anyway I was down the hill outside the building and waiting for another teacher to come eat lunch. And that's where the young kids go to school in the summer. So they all came out for a recess and...
Student: I know this story, THEN your boyfriend came over and broke up with you and you ran away. he left you.
Me: Again, no. Anyway, the young kids surrounded me and tried to ask me all these ridiculous questions like, "Who are you? What's your name? Why are you here? Do you like cows? Why do you have a computer?" all at once. I couldn't even answer they were asking so many. All of a sudden a silence comes over the crowd, they stare at me and a girl reaches out her hand and pets my head.
Student 2: That's awkward.

Student 1 reaches out and pets my head

Me: Personal space! That was not an open invitation!!!!
Student: It wasn't? Sorry!
Student 2: That WAS awkward.


Having your personal space invaded at work? Surprisingly not as fun as it sounds.



Student: {singing} Won't stop shaking up what I can, I serve it up in a shot, so suck it down like a man {giggles} So baby yes I know what I am and no I don't give a ..And you'll be loving it

Student proceeds to continue dancing....

Student: {singing -- now yelling} Someday I'm a super bitch!!!!! up to my old tricks!!!

I give the hairy eye ball as this student is not old enough to be saying such things.

Student: HOLY SHIT! I SWORE. OH MY GOD! I DID IT AGAIN! Sorry!!!... Someday I'm a super...........BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

"You are the puzzle GOD!"

God is a deep term. It is reserved for those who have powers far beyond what an typical human can do. For instance, Britney Spears is God to epic failure, Ludacris is God to success in the music industry, Ellen and Oprah are Gods to women, and I am to teaching... clearly.

Now I admit, I am quite the whiz at puzzles. I can do most Sudoku/Kenken/Math puzzles in mere minutes and will persist until I'm finished. I'm good at what I do and I have a great mind for these kind of things. I'm not full of myself, just truthful. My kids somehow think that I'm some kind of genius at creating the puzzles though. My kids started asking for more Kenken puzzles (For reference: Click here) for their free time activities. You're right, nerdiness breeds nerdiness. I being the nerdiness, supply the nerdiness for my kids. Through much training and guidance, more nerds are born. Either way, finding Kenken puzzles in a large abundance is rather difficult, so I started to create my own puzzles. It's actually more fun and satisfying for me to create the puzzles. If not for the sheer compliments on how amazing they are, but because if I create the puzzles the kids are more likely to complete them. Either way, the kids called me a puzzle God. As intimidating the title may be, it certainly makes me feel great about myself. BOW TO ME YOU INFIDELS! Fill in all the 5's!

I suppose part of my God title comes from the fact that I have solely convinced 6 of my students to take on math puzzles on their free time. I will repeat that. They complete and take on MATH puzzles on their FREE TIME. Don't get me wrong, being a coach for two sports, I encourage physical activity, but I have gotten the kids to do brainy activities during TV. It's super bad -- the good 12 year old type of "bad"... aka bad ass. What nerds.

Kids are fascinating beasts. Their short term memory, still developing, lacks the proper retaining capabilities to remember ANYTHING other than PS3 or Xbox codes. More over, things outside the children's realm of understanding is either 1) blasphemy -- there is no possible way that it is reality, as it has never occurred to them. If you weren't quite sure of it yet, children are, in fact, the center of the universe. Any and all passes of information and experiences must go through them, else suffer their wrath. 2) incomprehensible - it just does not make sense. For example, a student whom I coach in basketball and hockey passed me in the hallway as I was heading toward my "other" classroom in the language annex -- don't get me started. He paused, stared at me, looked at the floor, and then finally back to me. Thinking quite hard before asking he started,

Student: Um, don't you teach over there?

Me, in the hurry I was was not in a place to give a long-winded explaination.

Me: Yes, but not now.
Student: So, uh... where ya goin?

At this point, the student started to follow me, joy! I love having no transition time! I should talk to the administration about allowing time between classes for teachers to have useless conversations in the hallways with their eager-minded students. I'll get on it. Now, back to the part where I start walking faster, hoping he'll decide that despite his initial impression, I am not actually worth it.

Me: I have to go teach.
Student: Wait... you have two classes?
Me: Yes, I have two classes
Student: Woa, two classes? Why...?
Me: Science is in my room?
Student: You teach science? You're talented!
Me: No... I teach math, downstairs. Someone else is in my room.
Student: But you have two classrooms, that makes you special.

If onlyhaving two classrooms made me special rather than the freshmeat of the math department. Well, I take that back, most math teachers are forced to move about the school. Either way, it does not make me "special." I am special, but not because I get to switch rooms by traveling down two flights and then back up for the next period all in a row. I mean, with my adbundant time that I have, I'm barely ready in my own classroom let alone the move. If only I had that time to chat uselessly in the hallways, it's really cramping my style.

On another note, I got hit in the face today while coaching. I successfully can confuse 6th grade girls both in math and on the basketball court. Somehow I managed to make a simple task more difficult by point to the direction in which they were supposed to pass. Apparently, if someone wants to pass to the left and I point right... they throw in the middle. I mean, speaking physics, if the wants are equal but opposite "reactions" or impulses occur, then naturally, by law, the ball ends up in my face. The next reaction, also due to Newton's law of motion, the funniness that came from the other girls hit a wall when the opposite reaction of horror came from the girl's face.

Girl: Holy... Oh my... are you okay?!
Me: Yeah, I'm fine. Pass that way.
Girl: I, I ...I didn't mean to!
Me: I'm fine, keep going.
Girl 2: She's not even bleeding, I would be bleeding.
Girl 3: That's cause you aren't as cool.

Basketballs start flying.

Me: GIRLS. No one is as cool as I am, let's get better at basketball... by not throwing it in my face.
Girl: Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed.
Me: Just know that if you want to go left and I point right it does not equal throwing it in my face, hahah.

Girl picks up ball, chucks it to girl she was supposed to hard, trying to hide the embarrassment.

Girl 2: Don't throw it in my face either!
Me: Well, maybe you should use your hands and catch it.
Girl 2: Hey, hey... just cause I suck at sports doesn't mean you can make fun of me for anything other than my math abilities.
Me: GO!

Girl gets confused and trips a bit. Misses net completely.

The day after Thanksgiving break (2-day update)

It's mildly entertaining how the day after Thanksgiving break teachers and students alike begin counting down until Christmas break. It's 18 days. Yeah, I'm counting. The feeling in the air that surrounds classrooms at this time of year is very unsatisfying. Students are tired. We're tired. The economy is tired. Let's not talk about the economy, as my kids would say, and just buy a house in the Bahamas with the wife and kids. I totally agree. Wait, my students have kids? But I digress.

The kids are weary and sleepy today. It's an eerie feeling they emit. They're sleepy drones With sleepiness, however, comes great humor. With great humor, comes good posting opportunities. Here we go:

Me: Please stop waving outside

Student: But there are kids outside I'm saying hi to

Me: You're much older and cooler than them, don't waste your time.

Student: I'm not cooler or older, my mom says I'm like five.

Me: You could be cooler.

Student: But I don't want to. I like being a loser.

Me: Come on, you're not a loser.

Student #2: No, seriously, he's a loser.

Student: I'm not a loser!!

Me: Boys!

Student: Teacher says I'm not a loser.

And who could forget how we all feel, "Seriously, I hate Mondays. back to the grind. I should get a jewel for every time that I show up to school on Mondays. Could you arrange that?"

No, I cannot. I wish I could, however.

I also have a bad habit on Mondays of getting kids off task. As ADD as they are, I'm ten times worse. Mostly due to the proverbial athletic hangover from the night before which results in lack of sleep. Basically, it's hard to get anything done of Fridays and Mondays due to lack of motivation from all parties involved, except the DOE who is also all up in my grill. Look, I got us off topic again!

Me: Sorry that was my fault got you off-topic.

Student: Yes, yes it was your fault. Bad teacher.

I'm a baaaaaad teacher.

My students ended today with my own lovely blog title, which made me smile. I told the students a problem was impossible and laughed evilly, per usual. My student turned to me without missing a beat and said, "Everything is impossible, until someone does it." At which point I was in the realm between, "yayyy my kids think like me" and, "Oh crap! They read my blog" Then I thought, my kids can't read. Just kidding they can read, just not large undecodeable words :)

Student: Girls are mean they stink.

Student 2: Shhh, the teacher is right there.

Student: She's not a girl... she's a WOMANNNN (imagine a 11 year old boy saying this with such bravado, emphasis, and of course... a manly manly voice.

Student 2: super woman?!!?

Student: Absolutely, super teacher woman, face.

Me: Face?

Student: SUPER SONIC HEARING! ABORT!!!! *Student flees the room*

Clearly, I scare children with my super badness. I should get a math cape with all sorts of cool math symbols on it and act cooler and smarter than I really am. Tomorrow comes more updates, as I'm now not only a math teacher but the coach of a less than talented girls' basketball team. I look forward to it.