C'mon, you don't know your schedule?

Highlights of my days are twofold. One, I enjoy the learning that ensues, as most nerdy teachers do. In fact, I love when kids get excited and into math and don't actually consider it a boring, futile, mundane task. Two, my life is bettered and comforted by the statements my students produce -- usually off-topic, funny, and awesome. Consequently the inside jokes and varying levels of understanding of such musings also heighten my day -- i.e. by caused confusion and/or understand of said topic. Teaching middle school is great, because only some understand certain humor and others are innocently clueless -- making the situation funnier.

Today, was a day in which both scenarios were filled. My students were filled with intrigue, insight, and a urge for learning all that they could -- and it was 3 days before break. Trust me, in a special ed. school this isn't a typical day. Usually, on Mondays of a typical week I am struggling to focus my ever struggling students.... because let's face it, school is hard, especially for them making it a Monday makes it even worse.

We started by using an interactive math program on the computer, during which, most of my students chit chat because they have a short attention span -- plus, they can't talk for the majority of the day so it's a nice break for them. The boys were at the boys table, the girls at theirs, since apparently we're no longer limited to separations during middle school dances. Consequently, I get to witness this phenomena in my classroom. In fact, the boys refuse to sit with the girls and whine if they're seated at the same table and I don't allow them to move -- which I eventually allow them to do. The girls were chatting about girl things, the boys dissing and laughing at the girls when they can and talking about, "man things." Yes, they call them "man topics." It's actually quite amusing, as I would not consider most of them man topics, other than the mere fact that they're all at one table, which happens to be all boys. Most of the "man topics" (say with a certain bravado) include your usual 6th grade speak about "throwing leaves" or "who is smarter" or "the newest computer game" or "my name is NOW Jim!" etc. Which by all means is not limited to boys.

The boys today were discussing classes and which were going to coming next. The girls, were silently working away. One boy was saying that after math he wasn't sure what he had. There were only 2 periods left, yet the student was providing 3 options; history, tutoring, or language.... he just wasn't sure. I wasn't the only one to pick up on the situation. By which time, hilarity ensued:

Boy: I could have history or language... OR TUTORING. OH MY GOD, too many possibilities!
Boy #2: Dude, there are only 2 classes left, you shouldn't have three options
Boy: Oh, I guess it's history or tutoring. No wait, I think I had tutoring. I'm not sure!
Boy #3: Did you look at your schedule?
Boy: I don't need my schedule!
Boy #2: Obviously you do! I mean, come on, can't you get your periods straight? Periods should be important to you! That's why they give you a schedule of your periods, so you know what's coming next and when. Seriously, get your periods straight, I know mine.
Girl sitting next to me: {Giggles uncontrollably}
Boy: Oh stop it, do you know your periods?!
Girl: {Laughing to the point of tears} Um, yea I do, but there's a good reason you don't
Boy: What?
Me: Ahem, {girl's name} quit it there, those things are best kept a) out of class and b) not to boys
Girl: {wiping away tears} Okay, okay.
Boy: What's so funny? What happened?!
Boy 2: Trust me, you don't want to know.
Boy: But now I do want to know.
Boy 2: No, dude, it's like a girl secret. You know ladies, they have weird secrets that aren't made for boys. Trust me, I know what they're talking about... you wouldn't want to know.'
Boy: Ms. Teacher, do you know what it means?
Girl: {bursting out in laughter} Yeah, she knows.
Boy: Girls have too many secrets.


As for us ladies, watch out boys, for our dirty secrets that our not meant for boys ears. I love how children take an innocent comment and turn it into a funny. And just because they have knowledge of something slightly more mature and apparently more secretive it makes it that much more funny. Again, I love kids and my job.

During lunch another funny thing occurred. This time, one of my former students came in to use my microwave and get hot water from the hot water bubbler. It's interesting that kids think that if they want something they MUST butter up the teacher they're asking. This student, in particular, came in to me and started off with saying

Kid: Hi Ms. Teacher, how are you? I was thinking, since you are a math teacher, and math is AWESOME, that you might be willing to allow me to fill my cup of soup up with hot water in the teacher's lounge. Is that possible? I mean, you'd make an accurate filling. Just to the line and all. I only trust you.
Me: Am I the only one available on the floor to help you?
Kid: Uh, well, I mean. I wanted to say hi. Yes, you are.

So I filled the cup of soup, naturally, because I like hearing wonderful comments about how accurately I can fill cups with water. It's a daunting task, really, and no one appreciates me for my precision. I take 'em where I can get 'em. After receiving my praise he followed me back to my room where I was playing music, because I do, afterall, listen to music. oddly enough the student was just as surprised as I'm sure all of you are. As soon as the student walked in, this is what went down:

Student: ms. Teacher, what are you doing?
Me: This is music.
Student: Yes, I hear that, but what is it?
Me: Jason Mraz. Geek in the pink.
Student: The title sounds boring. It sounds stupid already.
Me: Would you prefer Pitbull or Kayne, my friend?
Student: You listen to real music? i mean, Kayne is my homie.
Me: Yes, teachers listen to music other than math raps.
Student: Wait, math raps?! Did you make them?
Me: No. I didn't.
Student: Are you sure? I could totally see you doing that.


Dj Ms. Teacher album dropping May 2009. Watch out.

Tracks:

1. Dividing fractions like I divided your mom
2. Stealing cash then dividing it evenly.
3. But I only wanted a fifth!
4. Pi is fun, but lets square that bitch.
5. The quadratic formula is for fools,
6. Trig my car.
7. Estimate the weight of your mom, but don't tell her.
8. Daddy hit me 6 squared times, and he's still there.
9. Your ears are like exponents for your head
10. Algebra is like an underwater bra for math.

AND MORE!

You remind us of...

Between the inane comments of life in the classroom and actually teaching, is some form truth in what kids say. Everyday I am faced with a barrage of "YOU REMIND US OF..." or "WHAT IF..." that I have thought long and hard about my life. Oh boy.

Today, for the fifth class in a row, my "boys" decided to tell me that I, again, remind them of Ellen. you know, teach, the Ellen with short hair on the TV who dances and is funny. Only you don't dance and we aren't sure you're funny -- haha just kidding...


...I pass today, right?

But really, teach, your hair is what does it. I really think you should dance everyday in class. Maybe teach us exponents (pronounced ex-pawned-ants) while dancing.


My Interjection: Why do you think I should dance? Let alone, why do you think I possess the skills which make me capable to dance, and have you enjoy it?

{Thoughts}Crap. I lost them again with those big words and fancy speech.

No really, it's the hair.

{Thoughts}Glad we never leave our first point. First law of therapy (and life)... if it's important, it will come up again... unless you have ADD....






...





{Thoughts}What were we talking about again?


As much as I love Ellen, I'm not sure my teaching capabilities let alone personality can and should be compared to Ellen. I'm cheery and funny, sure, but my dancing abilities are lacking and so is my ability to go in front of millions of women and have them go crazy for me... especially when talking exponents. I'm sure Ellen could make exponents fun.

Teach, what would you do if you had a million ba-gillion trillion, thousand five-hundred sixty-five and a half dollars? Would you still teach? Buy a boat? Buy a ring? Go to Wal-Mart? BUY WAL-MART? WAL-MART IS FUN. No really, what would you do?

{Thoughts}Can't we use real numbers? And why must you ask me 5 million questions, half of which I will never remember, most of which are not related? ONE THOUGHT CHILD.

Well kids, if I had whatever number you just told me I would probably still teach, because I really like it and it's rewarding.

Teach, it's not rewarding with us, so you're lying.

{Thoughts} At least I taught them logic?

You wouldn't teach. You'd go buy a condo or something. Maybe a dog.

{Thoughts}A really expensive dog.............

Between God, the wife, and the kids... we find class

Many of my days have been filled with ups and downs. Most of my classroom days are filled with the morning rush of unsettled children coming into class and whining about doing work. The pity party crew, I call it. By the afternoon, the stew has usually settled and the children's true identities of hard working wise-crackers comes out. My day, on the other hand, usually gets more hectic as time in the day goes on. I have learned much about this seemingly settled attitude at the end of the day.

In fact, if there is one thing I've learned about afternoon classes, it's that kids are just as restless as you are -- regardless of how settled they appear. They come to class drop their books and stare at you, "What do I do next?!"

After the 5th appeal to the court of children, they finally listen. Children are funny in that way. They look to teachers for advice and as soon as they start speaking, they tune out. Kind of makes you laugh when you think about it. Teachers: The role models to which we never listen. I'm okay with that.

Once I get the kids settled, while working, they usually mutter random comments about life. A class of all boys and I can't get them to stop gossiping -- who knew! These comments are filled with hilarity. They range from who stole the other's girlfriend to how they got dressed in the morning -- just what I wanted to hear. Amidst this conversation I find a dichotomy of engagement to the ramblings of young men arise.

In the unengaged realm, sits two boys. One, completely unaware of the conversation taking place right at his fingertips. Even if he wanted to be engaged, completely checked out. Lifting his head up every now and then when the noise got loud as if to say, "Huh? Who goes there?" An innocent child, really, blissfully unaware of his surroundings and the endless musings of his peers. Surprisingly the output of work as compared to his peers is not much different.

Child two, on the other hand, is the type I deem pathetically unengaged. Someone who tries to be engaged, but gets overwhelmed and checks out. He's the type that you most often find scrambling to throw in his two cents. The problem? His money isn't good in the conversation... it, how does I put this? It just doesn't have a damn thing to do with what's going on.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have three boys. First, is the boy I like to call, "NO THIS IS WHAT I THINK... OMG A SQUIRREL" (yes, he does say o-m-g, aka oh my god). The ADD apple of my eye. This is the student whom when I give directions will do precisely what I tell him not to do, down to the finest detail. Example:

Me: This calculator is important, it's a responsibility you are taking on. Use these calculators appropriately. Don't write inappropriate things on them. Use them only to check your work, do not.....
Kid: You can write on them?
Kid #2: Yea look! (shows calculator with 58008 on it)
Kid: That says boobs, ha.
Me: BOYS.
Kid #2: Haha, now it says LOL.

How can one honestly hate on that? Brilliant. I could not have planned for a better response.

Now, student number two is the student which is overly engaged. This student is in EVERYONE'S business. It doesn't matter what it is, this student is out of his chair trying to make his way over to see what others are doing when they start talking. Though redirection is taken very well, I often find this student being the one who takes his HW "standing up," usually with mouth and ears open. How can kids work that way? One way to look at it, is that this kid is going to be the most brilliant multi-tasker in the world. In fact, he thrives in the environment in which he must multi-task, else my lesson be boring.


The third student, is the one I call our witty response man. Though not talking all the time, when his mouth opens, he gives the most random, yet witty responses. So far off-topic, yet appealing to the rest of the crowd -- teacher included. he is our eccentric thinker. Example:

Kid: Time to go home to my wife and kids! See ya later!
Me: Excuse me, what?
Kid: It's a tough job, teach. But somebody's gotta do it.

and

Kid: You know, between you, me, and God... math is pretty cool.
Me: Do your math.
Kid: I'll tell Him you made math fun, you know... put in a good word.

Some days these kids make me smile. Some days I don't know how I don't just laugh my pants off, managing to keep a straight face.Oh what joy to be a teacher. Really. Try it.



Now, you might ask yourself does this crazy lady ever really teach? And if so, what in the world could possibly get done with the craziness that ensues daily? True be told, my days are not always the same, nor does the entire class get eaten up by gossip -- as much as you wish it were true. The true is, those kids thrive in the environment provided to them and are earning a respect and love for math which, trust me on this, they never held before. So, think of this as a bonus for me. I get the pleasures of laughing and making my job ten times more fun than it already is, and you reap the benefits via this site.

Teaching experience #1: Being the white one in the room

As inappropriate and insensitive as it may sound, ignore that feeling and know that this is not mal-intended. /end disclosure

My life as a teacher started quickly and led me to a school in which the biggest population accounted for was black. I, not being black -- and having viewed many inspirational movies of white teachers inspiring black kids --, knew that a) this isn't the movies and b) I'm still white. My teaching experience, never forget it, has changed my scope on education --for the better -- for good. It went a little something like this:

Day 1: Teacher gets integrated into school. Is awkward.

Day 2: Teacher starts talking to students*. Note: Read students as the suck-ups.

Days 3-6: Earn trust, make a fool out of yourself, and tell them you aren't going to get mad at them.

Okay, admittedly, days 1-6 are similiar to most experiences... that... was about to change.

Day 7: Leave iPod open -- I sounded old, correct to ON --, kids snatch it and see "Chris Brown" as most recently played. Get asked about my preferred choice of music and name "reggaeton and rap" as your favorites -- no really, they are. Not just trying to fit in. But I digress, the kids' attentions were directly on me. They could not believe that a teacher, who happened to be white liked rap. I instantly became a focus for the following time there. I was a project. Until then, they told me, they had thought that white people only liked country. When I asked if that was a fair assumption, they said, "Well yea, they* say we all like rap. And I guess that's true so ours must be true, too. Plus, you ain't ghetto." It's true. I wasn't

Day 8: Get my ghetto on. The following days I was taught to dance to various rap songs, to rap -- read: kind of rap -- and to reach these kids on a new level. The excitement flew through the room. Daily chores were riddled with beats and lyrics of what we were doing. Every new topic was accompanied by a dance... well I didn't dance, but they sure did. I enjoyed it. Relished it if you may. In fact, I, being the project, made them my little project. I felt like I was in the movies... dancing along and finding a common ground with the students. Reality: I was just young enough to actually know what they're talking about and actually dance.

Departure: Leaving that school made me realize a few things about myself.

1. I cannot dance

2. I, still, have no rhythm.

3. Kids make wonderfully silly assumptions.

4. I is in fact white.

5. School isn't just about memorizing what to do by doing worksheets.

6. Dancing is really fun when teaching about exponents. Remind me to show you.

7. Life is beautiful. Simple. And amazing when you realize what a little dancing can do.

8. Watch out Ellen. I dance... sort of. (See ex. #1)

A teacher is....

Everyday I wondered in my life just who I would become. A teacher was never on my scope of possibilities. A blogger was even further down the line, until I realized the power of my thoughts, creativity, and most of all -- words. I never dreamed that teaching was a possibility; I was never --still am not -- a good writer, speller, etc. That thought existed until I met math, and was subsequently in my masters program forced to learn what I had never been taught -- spelling, phonics, and grammar rules.

This is the proverbial blah blah blah that starts every blog as an introduction. The boring "Hi this is me and get engaged" statement, that I always find boring. Bear with me...

Teaching has always been fascinating to me. Kids, mostly a mystery. The combination of a demanding curriculum paired with students seemed daunting, yet very enticing -- who doesn't like a challenge? Plus, I was not one to ever relent. So I joined the rat race. Seems like I joined the army. When I started, I tried teaching to multiple different venues, like a comedian testing different jokes with different audiences. Like comedians, I, too, struggled to find where I was ready to perform--- or, teach. I tested the waters from northeast rural territories, to NC rural, to suburban northeast, all the way to upscale urban northeast, to where I am -- a charter school for special needs kids.

It's interesting in light of the significant differences in the country (socially, morally, linguistically) and the significant differences in landscapes in which I traveled to teach, the kids all had the same features. Like certain toys -- the kids lived in different areas where the ideals differed, but they still were mostly similar. Riddled with amusing phrases -- logical and illogical -- clever come backs, the attitude, and the relative frame of knowledge (and innocence) that all kids hold. Point being? I met a lot of interesting, and certainly life-changing, students in a short amount of time in my life. These students held many similarities, gave me similar responses, and over anything else gave me reason for carrying on.

As inspiring as my story sounds, my life is filled with humor from these students. In fact, if you're a teacher and you have not laughed, at least internally at kids and their musings or made a fool of yourself by accident, there is something wrong in the classroom. Now for the end of my introduction to myself and the blog, this blog will be riddled with "funnies" from classes that I experience or have experienced. Since the confidentiality of my students and school are important to me, my name, kids names, and locations will be changed.... if mentioned. Enjoy